I just can’t believe how scared, nervous and anxious I am about a doctors appointment. I don’t think I have ever been this scare of a doctors appointment in my life. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. What if there I can’t handle the ride there? What if I can’t handle the exam? What if I can’t handle the ride home? What if something is wrong and they have to do surgery now? What if they tell me they can’t help me? What if they tell me they can help me but then it does not work or worse makes things worse.
I mean I know you can’t live your life in the “what ifs” but when you are dealing with something like this it is hard. This is very real, very painful and very devastating and sometimes you second guess yourself on the decisions you make cause you are never really sure what is the best decision to make. There are just some many things that could go wrong.
I had this surgery in 2005. The mesh was put in on January 18 2005 and ever since that day things have just gone down hill. I had mesh revision surgery on February 6 2006 and still things went down hill. Since 2007 they started going down faster and then in the past year it has just taken a downhill slide at like the speed of light it seems. I am going to a pain clinic and on pretty strong pain meds but they don’t seem to be helping so they upped the dose and now I feel dopey and groggy and I hate that feeling.
I don’t know…I don’t know what I am doing anymore. Hopefully I will get some answers tomorrow. I am not getting my hopes up though. These meds are really making me sleepy so I am gonna go. I will update when I can soon about the appointment.