I really did not know what to name today’s post. I just can’t think. the pain is just unbearable today and there is no rhyme or reason for it. Some days the pain is bad, then really bad, then unbearable. Sometimes I think my body just hates. I am starting to get really depressed. The pain has really gotten worse in the past few weeks to the point of it being unbearable all day everyday. I just about can’t do anything. It hurts to sit too long, it hurts to stand, it hurts to walk, I can’t drive, it hurts to ride anywhere, so I basically don’t leave my house and for the most part, I cry all day. Even my husband has to help me when I showering and I hate that, because I hate him seeing me with no clothes on. Why you ask? Well as you read before. We can’t have sex so I don’t want him to see me without clothes. I don’t think it is fair to him. Of course I don’t feel like none of this is fair to him or my family but they are all sticking through it with me.
I wish I could do simple things, I wish I could clean my house, but that is hard work. Let me tell you something now. Don’t take anything for granted, even cleaning cause you will actually miss it if you can’t do it anymore. Believe me. I mean I am not the type of person to lay around all day, I like to be moving to be doing something and I can’t. This has basically crippled me. I was listening to a lady over the internet and she called us Pelvic cripples and I could not have said it better myself. I finally had to break down and get a handicap sticker and I got a prescription for a walker, I really did not want to do either of those because I felt as if I am admitting defeat and I tried for so long to fight this, I am tired of fighting. I mean this has been going on for years and after a while the pain really starts to get to you physically, mentally and emotionally.
I mean it really sucks when you are stuck in this house with no where to go and all your friends work. You feel like you are alone even though deep down you know you are not alone. Sometimes you get lonely and just cry and sometimes you get angry and want to throw things and sometimes you have this stupid look on your face because you really do not know what to do. It is an awful, helpless feeling.
Well I have sit here long enough today and need to go eat so I can take some pain meds. If you are in my shoes, I know how you feel! If your not, count your blessings, take nothing for granted.