(I hope this is not too long a post) Just has the title says, if you have mesh somewhere in your body, the pain from it can cause many faces and many feelings. Sometimes it is like you are a different person altogether even when you don’t mean to be and sometimes it has you thinking in ways you don’t want to think. I know, I am there and have been for a while now. 😦 What’s more is that these feelings and face can change in a flash before you yourself even knows what is happening and thus confusion is just one of the many feeling.
I am having a hard time right and it is because of the faces and feelings that the pain causes. See right now I am feeling like a burden to my family. My hubby is in a bad mood over things not working out the way he had planned and well as you know guys and fixing cars don’t always clash well but I am taking it personally. The reason is because he would not be doing any of this stuff on the car right now if we were not fixing to take it on the road to travel for my surgery. So he would not be in a bad mood, so I feel like it is all my fault and thus a burden. He has had to do almost all of the physical stuff in preparing for my surgery, cleaning the house (although I did clean the kitchen which took me 4 hours and that was doing one counter and sitting down for 20 mins and then I paid for it) but he has to do everything else, the mopping, the cleaning the bathrooms, the bedroom (it looked like a storage room) the vacuuming, all the while he has a full time job and coaches baseball and I feel bad cause I am sitting around like that dutch boy with his finger in the damn. He has to do all the shopping, run all the errands. I feel like a major burden on my family. I feel like I am taking away from my family instead of completing them. I feel like I am not allowing them to move forward, worst of all I feel like I am draining the life out of my husband. The man I love, the man I never want to hurt, I mean I have known him since I was like 11. He is my best friend always has been and always will be, but I am afraid I am hurting him, I am afraid I am hurting my children, especially my youngest, all he has ever known is his mommy is sick or his mommy has to have surgery, his mommy is in pain. That is not a life to grow up with.
Besides feeling like a burden, you feel depression, you feel anger, a deep sense of anger and sometimes you are not even sure who you are angry at. Sometimes you might be angry at yourself for being so naive as to trust people to put this stuff in you. You may feel angry at the situation, you may feel angery because you are stuck in the house while everyone else gets to go to school and work or to the store or to the ball park or to Church and you are stuck on the couch on in your favorite position at the table. And I found out from a dear friend that even if you are a Christian, you may even find that you are angry at God and that it is ok. That God gave us this emotion, if he did not want us to feel it, he would not have given it to us, to just ask for forgiveness for feeling that towards him. Speaking of God, that is something, that I, well I leave that for another post. Just know I am thankful.
You may even feel as if you are grieving or mourning just like you would if someone you knew has died and yet you do not know why. Friend let me tell you I have done this and still do. I can tell you that what you are mourning and grieving is the very life you used to have. You are mourning the loss of what you used to be. I have done this, you miss what you once were and what you once were able to do. You grieve that loss.
All of this can be summed up in the stages of grief. Some say there are 5 stages, some say 7 stages. These are the sames stages that you experience when you loose someone. In my scenario, I have gone with the 7 stages.
1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
The link to a more descriptive example to each of these is found here
What can I tell you? Well I can tell you that I have gone through all of these and still do. I find that sometimes I go back and forth, sometimes I think I am on step 7 and then go back to step 2, but there is hope no matter what. There are Doctors out there that can remove the mesh, my surgery is just in a few days.
I end with this. I have told you some of how I feel and I have given you information, I hope that this will help you along your journey. If you have any questions, are lonely and afraid please don’t hesitate to contact me.