WOW! Second post from me today. I tell you today, well heck this whole week has not been good, but today I am really not doing good. I am really sleepy, I did not sleep good last night. I am in so much pain that nothing is helping. I have so much still left to do on my To Do list that I can’t seem to make a dent in it and one of them is going to Walmart and I have been putting that off for so long cause it hurts for me to ride in a car and then to even think about shopping…no, but I have no other choice, I have to go at some point today regardless of how I feel to get stuff for the prep before the surgery and things for after the surgery.
Of course, it might do me a bit of good being out, I am tired of being stuck in this house, day in and day out. I am going stir crazy, but that will only be short-lived due to the pain I will suffer for going out. Sigh, the many problems we face with mesh.
I am feeling really bad right now. Bad about myself, feeling like everything is my fault, everything that is wrong is my fault. That I am not a good mom, wife, daughter, friend. That I am a burden to my family and friends. That they should not have to put their life on hold for as long as they have because of me, like I am not worth it. I feel totally worthless and useless. I can’t even get this list stuff done. I am just here, or not here, my mind wanders and as surgery gets close, I find my mind wandering and drifting more and more.
This may well be the most important surgery I may ever have. So much is riding on this surgery and this surgery is no walk in the park, there are some major risks involved with this surgery. I have so many questions running through my mind. Will the surgery work? Will they be able to get all the mesh our? Will I have nerve damage and still be in pain? What will the recovery be like? Will I be in more pain than I am now or less pain during recovery? Will I regret the surgery? What do I do if the surgery does not work or they can’t get all the mesh out?
I just don’t know, part of me don’t even know who I am anymore 😦