WOW! Second post from me today. I tell you today, well heck this whole week has not been good, but today I am really not doing good. I am really sleepy, I did not sleep good last night. I am in so much pain that nothing is helping. I have so much still left to do on my To Do list that I can’t seem to make a dent in it and one of them is going to Walmart and I have been putting that off for so long cause it hurts for me to ride in a car and then to even think about shopping…no, but I have no other choice, I have to go at some point today regardless of how I feel to get stuff for the prep before the surgery and things for after the surgery.
Of course, it might do me a bit of good being out, I am tired of being stuck in this house, day in and day out. I am going stir crazy, but that will only be short-lived due to the pain I will suffer for going out. Sigh, the many problems we face with mesh.
I am feeling really bad right now. Bad about myself, feeling like everything is my fault, everything that is wrong is my fault. That I am not a good mom, wife, daughter, friend. That I am a burden to my family and friends. That they should not have to put their life on hold for as long as they have because of me, like I am not worth it. I feel totally worthless and useless. I can’t even get this list stuff done. I am just here, or not here, my mind wanders and as surgery gets close, I find my mind wandering and drifting more and more.
This may well be the most important surgery I may ever have. So much is riding on this surgery and this surgery is no walk in the park, there are some major risks involved with this surgery. I have so many questions running through my mind. Will the surgery work? Will they be able to get all the mesh our? Will I have nerve damage and still be in pain? What will the recovery be like? Will I be in more pain than I am now or less pain during recovery? Will I regret the surgery? What do I do if the surgery does not work or they can’t get all the mesh out?
I just don’t know, part of me don’t even know who I am anymore 😦
Forgive me for rambling and repeating me myself. It is late, I am in some major pain and I have been crying since about 4:30 this afternoon. Sorry I have not written in a few days I have really been hurting and just resting, something I should be doing now.
Well as you know I saw the doctor on Thursday and he said the mesh had to come out. I think I mentioned that they were out of network for all insurances and they had to get in-network approval so insurance would cover the surgery.
Well I got a call for the doctors office this afternoon and well our insurance will not budge. We have no out of network benefits and our insurance will not do a gap coverage or any other kind of things they can do to cover and approve the surgery.
So I do not know what I am going to do. We can’t get any loans due to our credit. My husband tells me not to worry abt the money but I can’t let anything happen like us lose our house or something in order for me to try to have this surgery. I could not live with myself if that were to happen.
Well I had to really rest up have driving for 2.5 hours being at the dr for about 2.5 hours and then driving home for about 2.5 hours. That was a long, hard, painful and exhausting day! I am certainly glad it is behind me. The Dr was great as was in office staff, they were very kind and caring and really took the time with you. I talked to the Dr first then he did the exam, the we talked some more.
He said that the mesh was too tight around my muscles, ligaments and nerves and that the mesh was actually bunched up. He said that during the exam and this hurt like all get out that he could pull on the mesh. He said that he was not sure why but when they repaired my vaginal vault prolapse they did so with double mesh. He said that he did not think the TVTO was causing the problems because the pain in my legs are in the back and outsides area and not in the inside area and I am not sore in the side area either. He has suggested removing the anterior and posterior vaginal mesh and possible removing the TVT-O, he said it depends on what things look like when they get in there that sometime the mesh are all tied together and he has to remove it. He said he has to remove all the mesh plus all the sutures that are there.
He did say that if I had any nerve damage he can’t say if this will ease my pain or even make it go away, or allow me to be able to sit, stand and walk without pain or if I will be able to have sex. It depends on the nerves that were damaged and it could take up to 6 months before we know for sure. But he said I basically had 2 options, I could continue in this horrific pain I am in now and do or try nothing or I could take my chances on the surgery and hope for the best.Either decision scares me so I don’t really feel like I have much of a choice so we are going forward with the surgery. First thing first we have to get insurance to approve it. The Dr is out of network and we have to get in network approval first so they are working on that so it is a waiting game at this point. I also have to get medical clearance from my Dr, which will not be a problem.
In a way I feel like all of this is moving way too fast and I have not had time to think about any of it. Then again the longer we wait the more I do think and the more scared and nervous I get. I am really scared of going through this surgery and it not fixing anything and me still being the way I am now. I mean I really do not want to go through all this if it will not fix me. I also know that this is a very risky surgery so of course I am scared of having it but I really don’t see any other options, nothing we are doing is helping anymore.
I just hope insurance will approve it so I can go ahead and have it and get it over with, if not I will be going crazy for one until I hear from them about the insurance and then if they don’t approve I will be going crazy about how to pay for the surgery. I am already going crazy as it is. And just sitting her typing this, I am already hurting so bad I can’t stand it and I have to eat before I take my pain meds and I am not hungry right now. Oh well, I guess the waiting is the worst part and there is nothing we can do to speed up the process. I just hope I don’t lose my mind before then or worse Chicken out.
I just can’t believe how scared, nervous and anxious I am about a doctors appointment. I don’t think I have ever been this scare of a doctors appointment in my life. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. What if there I can’t handle the ride there? What if I can’t handle the exam? What if I can’t handle the ride home? What if something is wrong and they have to do surgery now? What if they tell me they can’t help me? What if they tell me they can help me but then it does not work or worse makes things worse.
I mean I know you can’t live your life in the “what ifs” but when you are dealing with something like this it is hard. This is very real, very painful and very devastating and sometimes you second guess yourself on the decisions you make cause you are never really sure what is the best decision to make. There are just some many things that could go wrong.
I had this surgery in 2005. The mesh was put in on January 18 2005 and ever since that day things have just gone down hill. I had mesh revision surgery on February 6 2006 and still things went down hill. Since 2007 they started going down faster and then in the past year it has just taken a downhill slide at like the speed of light it seems. I am going to a pain clinic and on pretty strong pain meds but they don’t seem to be helping so they upped the dose and now I feel dopey and groggy and I hate that feeling.
I don’t know…I don’t know what I am doing anymore. Hopefully I will get some answers tomorrow. I am not getting my hopes up though. These meds are really making me sleepy so I am gonna go. I will update when I can soon about the appointment.
WOW! The past few days have really been hard for me.Monday I was in a great deal of pain and I think I cried all day and then of course I did not sleep well. I never do, the pain wakes me up. I hate the constant pain and sometimes the pain is so bad I think I would rather be in labor. The mesh stuff is really scary too because if you have a new pain down there you wonder to yourself if something happened, if something is wrong or different. Of course I know this does not help me any but you can’t help but wonder about that stuff, there are so many things that can happen or go wrong. I mean I have already had mesh revision surgery before, if it happened before it can happen again. I was able to go (thanks to my wonderful husband) and get me a walker after he got off work, so that is out of the way. I can breath a little easier now knowing that I have something to help me get around a little better when I need it and it has a seat so if I need to sit right then and there I can. That is cool cause now I don’t have to think well should I sit on the floor and then wonder how I am gonna get up by myself or try to make it to a chair.
Tuesday was an ok day, I had pain of course, there is not a day I don’t have pain, some days are a little better than others. I watched a few movies. Then tried to clean house a little bit. Well all that did was make me upset and piss me off because I was not able to do it.
I found a DR a few hours a way that might be able to remove the mesh. From what I hear they are really good Drs and have been successful in this surgery. I called them on Monday and I have an appointment TOMORROW! So I had to spend a good deal of time filling out online paperwork for them yesterday and by the time I got done I was in so much pain from sitting it was not even funny.
I am really nervous, anxious and scare about this Dr. I am scared I will not be able to make the ride there. I am scared they will not be able to help me. I am scared to the exam and anyone who has this problem knows just how bad these exams hurt. I am scared something might be wrong and I might need surgery like now. I am scared that they will say they can help me and then the surgery does not work (as that is always a possibility). There are just so many things running through my head right now and I am in so much pain that it is not helping the matter either.
I am trying to decide what I should do, if I should pack in case something is wrong or after riding all that way (about 3 hrs) and then exam, me not being able to make the ride back and we have to stay somewhere. My son is taken care of, so I am not worried about him thanks to my best friend but what do I do about me and my hubby. I just don’t know. I am also scared of not making it through any surgeries I might have to have, so maybe that is making my nervous, being anxious and scared worse since I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I mean there is a reason why I went from almost tolerable pain everyday to the most intolerable pain I have ever have just overnight. I don’t know.
Then there is the money. The Drs are out of network for our insurance and we found our we have no out of network benefits, so the first appointment is pretty expensive. So I don’t know what we are gonna do there. Oh well, I am starting to hurt worse so I need to stretch out. I hope everyone is Meshville is having an ok day so far